Do you ever feel like you are just are in a good moment but you can't really be there. You almost sit outside looking in and just wonder when is the moment going to end. I used to have a dream that the bed was snatched out beneath me. I would literally wake up grabbing the sides of my bed with the relief that it was dream and not reality. But in reality it was very depictive of my life at that time. Waiting, waiting for the bed to be snatched, waiting for the other shoe to just drop. Sometimes I just want it to drop, just splat. I am not sure what is worse, going through each day hopeful to hang on to the little bit that is going right or allowing it all to crash. It's not even allowing it I suppose. So much is out of our control. I am a control freak and it guts me to the core when I cannot control a situation. Heck and I feel I have mellowed over the years. I have a child, and my child is not always well. He has asthma. I want the best for him and sometimes I can't give him that. I get angered about a lot of things that affect how I can keep him well, or myself and my husband well. I wish I could change a lot of things in my life. Some things I know I can change and need to look deep inside to work on them. The one thing I want to change desperatley is my job. It is not to say I do not like it or the people I work with. I am well suited for this job and do it well. However, I want to be home. I want time to think, breathe, exercise, make homemade meals, play with my son more, learn more about his education, date my husband again, clean the house, catch up on bills. My bucket list is long but I would feel like more of a success in this life if I wasn't such a success at this job. Go figure! The reality is I have health care, a good income, and wonderful understanding co-workers and boss. There are people out there that would kill to have that. I simply can't do it anymore. But I have no choice, not if I want to provide for myself, husband and child the basic needs. My husband and I are young, educated, intelligent, hard working people. We get really down when we feel we have little to show for all of our efforts. How do others do it? I know we are not alone? It does feel that way when you are in the thick of things, sitting beside to your sick child, blowing your own nose, worrying about if they can go to school the next day or if you have to call in sick and lose the money from that day. A crap shoot. It's a crap shoot indeed!